Yesterday I spent the day at the lake at Sleepy Hollow State Park near Laingsburg, and had the following observations:
I heard on the radio that 20% of Americans can be classified as obese. Yesterday’s sampling would suggest it’s more like 80%. And I now know what “extremely obese” looks like – and it’s not pretty (and rather hairy).
Ladies (and I use that expression loosely): You’ve heard that old expression, if “you’ve got it, flaunt it”? Ladies, you don’t have it. Put it away. And for that special little number wearing that oddly-cut camo colored bathing suit – sorry, it’s not good looking at all. Next time try a burqa, you’d look great in it.
Gentlemen: If you want to swim in the lake, at least put down your cigarette. Standing up to your neck in water while still smoking makes you look hopelessly optimistic, or just stupid. I’m choosing the latter.
Ladies: cut down on the number of tattoos you have. Just because your skin is expanding with your weight doesn’t mean you have to cover every square inch with ink. Also, consider this: that cute butterfly “tramp stamp” you have is going to look like like the Bacardi bat in a few years. Are you sure you want to put your baby’s daddy’s name in all-capitalized Old English lettering on your lower buttock? It’s going to turn into Arabic after a decade’s worth of stretch marks, and probably say something to the effect of “easy to impregnate”.
Gentlemen: I realize you aren’t really sure if those kids are yours or not, but for the love of God put down your beer and help out the kid’s momma – it is only 10:30am after all.
Both sexes: Yes, that haircut looked really cool in that Motley Crue (or was it Ratt?) video in 1986, but really, it’s time to move on. Especially you, fella – do you really wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and say “damn, I look good today?” Because you don’t. Stop lying to yourself.
Pet Owners: When you dog(s) are the size of horses, their poop is the size of horses. Please do not bring them to a public beach, it cuts down on the amount of useable beachfront the public has access to.
Mother Nature: On behalf of humankind, I apologize for damming up that river and trying to create a lake where there shouldn’t be one. Could you do me a favor and make the water a little less brown? It’s rather off-putting seeing people swimming in what looks like a gigantic cup of coffee.